I'm Sorry...

Your reassurance is useless,
It will never measure up
No matter what you do
Or say
Or think
It can't compete 
With my guilt.

Dread.

How my stomach sinks
My flesh turns cold 
My shoulders hunch
As I try to shrink
Right out of existence...

The pebble of your anger
To me is a mountain
Expanding exponentially
In the distance between your brain
And my heart

One small word,
an indication of imperfection:
"Wrong"
Can rock my world

What should be a tiny twinge
Of disappointment
Festers within me

It never leaves
Every last moment
Of embarrassment

Every misstep
Every incorrect answer,
Mispronounced word,
Misinterpreted gesture,
Misguided attempt to pursue something more…

Every moment
I feel it
I carry it with me
Every day

It is the knots in my back
the pouch of fat around my middle
the oversized sweater 
that i desperately
wrap around my body,
an attempt to envelope myself
in black fabric
hide my shameful self from the world


Every unkind word
Is burned into my brain
and my flesh
Every affection spurned
I remember it all

I try to push it down and never let it escape
But no container can hold all of these secret bits of me

They bubble to the surface
And wash over me in waves
Of twenty year old shame
The regrets of a 4 year old child
Who looked in the mirror
And saw nothing but a monster
The girl who turns beet red
Through brown skin
Clinging desperately
To the hope that one day
Maybe one day
She can be perfect
And all of this shame can be erased

I dream of perfection
Because perfection is my only escape
I dream of perfection
Because it is the freedom
From a world I never wanted to see
I dream of perfection
Because I just can't take much more reality
I need a fucking break
But how do you take a break from yourself?

This is what depression feels like
This is my anxiety everyday
Wondering who can see these bits
And pieces
And mistakes
Wondering if they will hate me
As much as I do
Wishing they would care for me
Protect me
In ways my parents never did or could
Wanting to be good enough
Even though good enough is never enough for me